I was a Buddhist Zombie (Whoa, Oh, Oh)
Does anybody else out there have a fear that Buddhism will turn them into a zombie? I don’t mean a real zombie, but just kind of zonked out of life. Now from observation of very revered monks and lamas, I don’t think this to be the case. If you look at the Dalai Lama, or Thich Nhat Hanh, or Master Sheng Yen or any other popular icon in Buddhism, you find these simple, happy, joyous people. They are very far from zombies. But when it comes to me, the lowly West Chester Buddhist, I feel like part of me steps back in some way after I study or practice. I will be reading about quieting the mind, no useless talking, going beyond duality and the like, and when I am done I find myself in a different state of mind. It’s not a bad state of mind, but different. I become the quiet observer trying to view things panoramically rather than single pointed. I think I interact with people differently. But what I don’t know is whether or not this state is real as in progress or I’m just putting on a show. Am I emulating what I think to be a more quiet and peaceful nature or actually experiencing it? I don’t want to be a poser because there are too many posers in the world.
This idea really hit home when I was reading Faith in Mind by Sheng Yen the other day. In the second chapter, he discussed how a student of his had notable changes in his mental state and became afraid of changing because he was happy with the way he was and feared his friends would no longer recognize him. This struck my core! I felt that way and could never find the words to express it or maybe subconsiously feared the guilt associated with that sort of feeling. I have a wife, a child, family and friends, and I don’t want to be this ghost that floats around in their lives! But that is what I percieve enlightenment to be from an outsider perspective (outsider here meaning outside of enlightenment). I always think of the fixed gaze I see on Buddhist statues and wonder if those half drawn eyelids have ruined my perception of enlightenment. Am I emulating a statue when I get wrapped up in my Buddhist world? Is this why they say to kill the Buddha if you see him? Will the Misfits make the title of this blog into a new song?
I don’t have answers to all this yet but I’m really glad that I came to this realization. I can step further along my path now that I can admit that I have this fear. Its like the old G.I. Joe PSA’s used to say, now I know, and knowing is half the battle.
Sincerely,
Ben
The West Chester Buddhist